The Eulogy

…to every image I’ve ever had of myself that didn’t match how God created me. The way God made me is beautiful, even the flaws. To everything I thought I needed to survive. I release the expectation of forever with temporary people and I no longer hoard things that take up too much of my space. To the version of me that was never going to be whole, never love herself or be willing to love again. I love me most of all. To every thought of ending my life. I choose to live again daily. I’ve packed and vacated every dark place I lived in for months at a time. To every time I failed and let those failures outweigh all of my wins. To every devil I’ve fought with for 1000 rounds for years. You finally lose.

I win.

I conquer.

I love.

I live.

I breathe.

I move forward.

I forgive.

I rest on the plans and promises of God.

And that’s that on that.

To the past…

REST IN PEACE

“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬

Get Out of Your Feelings

Warning! Super transparent post…

Hi, my name is Gene’a, and I’m impatient. Very.

I also suffer with anxiety which magnifies that. At this moment in my life, this VERY moment, I’m simply wondering what’s next?

I’ve grown tired and frustrated with my normal and I’ve been praying about it for what seems like…ever. And I’m not 100% sure I’ve gotten the answer or if I’m hearing God.

So much so that I’m not sure if I’m praying the “right prayer” either.

See, God has me in this space where the ball is in my hands, on my court but I still need to hear from Him on when to shoot. I’ve done things on my own in the past, never consulting God and even worse, done things out of pure emotions. My emotions have gotten me into some situations that I’d never want to relive.

Emotions are finicky. Emotions are unstable. Emotions exaggerate, complicate and sometimes stagnate.

What I’ve had to learn is that I control my emotions, they don’t control me. Also, my emotions are not to be confused with who I am as a person.

I’m allowed to be sad but that doesn’t make me a downer.

I’m allowed to frustrated but that doesn’t mean I’m a mean person nor does it give me a pass to compromise my integrity.

I’m allowed to cry but that doesn’t make me unstable or weak.

I’m writing this with hopes that it makes sense and that you know that even believers, even church goers, even the saved get shaken sometimes. Sometimes our faith is tested beyond what WE may feel is necessary. Sometimes we question God and ourselves when things look uncertain or flat out confusing.

But, our relationship with God allows us the grace and space to talk TO God about those feelings. It’s up to us to sit still long enough to hear Him clearly… Maybe we should just wait a little longer. Maybe.. He’s waiting on us to make the first step so that He knows He can trust us with the rest of the plan.

Let’s pray for one another that we see the beauty in the silence and that we rest on the fact that OUR uncertainties does not mean God is uncertain about us.

“Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬

With love.

Pick Up the Pieces

Before I begin, I’d like to let it be known that my posts are USUALLY well thought out, drafted and finalized. Except today is different. It will be completely random as I navigate my thoughts and what God has placed on my heart to share.

My intent was the do a “vlog” instead but on a Monday after a long holiday break got your girl looking like “what?” and “whodunit?”

Anyway, here we go…

“Pick Up the Pieces” was whispered in my ear late last night while I was on my 5th or 6th attempt to go to sleep. I try to be very careful saying that God gave me a word or a title but I know it just didn’t come out of nowhere. Funny thing is, that’s ALL I got before drifting off to sleep.

When I started this blog, I was so excited. Fixing up the page and picking my domain felt like I was finally accomplishing something. I told myself I would post at least ONCE A WEEK (insert laughter here). Well, that obviously didn’t happen. I found myself confused, tongue-tied and brain frozen with a lack of focus and drive to even write a rough draft. Why?  Probably fear. Probably uncertainty. Probably numbers. Probably the likes and comments or lack thereof. I became so unsure of myself. So, I dropped it. People were starting to ask about my blog and asking why I hadn’t posted. Well now they know.

I’m only sharing because I feel like God (through prayer and through people) called me on my bluff. He was telling me to pick up the pieces. I felt like I allowed too much time to pass this year. “Maybe I’ll try to do better….next year. Maybe then I’ll receive some great revelations. I’ll revamp, change the whole site, etc.” But in November of 2018, I’ve decided to pick up where I left off as instructed. See, a lot of times we feel like we have to “start over” in order to make real progress. Scratch the original notes, throw away the blueprint, rethink things, etc, but God is telling you and I to pick up the pieces. Take all the good work, the creative thoughts you ALREADY HAVE, the drive you had and go FORWARD. Use the original plan, the one you had before you allowed critics and naysayers to tweak it and tear it apart. Don’t leave anything out because of the time you think you don’t have. Don’t skip any steps and watch how things manifest.

Switching gears a liiiittle bit because it goes two ways.

Picking up the pieces also goes for those who may have allowed one too many people into their hearts and minds. You’ve found yourselves broken, confused and empty because you’ve given so much to get little in return. Maybe you’ve dimmed your light, lowered your standards  and compromised way more than you should have. To those people, I know what it feels like. But you have to pick up the pieces of your heart and hand them over to the ONLY one who can put it back together again.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Psalms 51:10, NKJV

Take every part of you that you feel is dirty, uncertain and unworthy… and hand it over to God. Every piece of you may not be pretty but you have to be honest with yourself and know that it still fits into the puzzle. If God can take someone insecure, low self-esteemed, broken, bitter and prideful like me and make them over completely, He can do the same for you. I searched through prayer and simply talking to God for every piece, whether the “piece of me” was under the bed, in the closet, in my journal or in my thoughts. It wasn’t until I became honest with myself, that I was able to be made whole. Does it mean that I’m perfect now? Heck no. But there’s beauty in knowing that and not beating myself up about it daily. Knowing that God still loves me and will still use me AND my flaws to reach other people.

HIS grace IS sufficient!

We have to stop trying to hide the pieces to your puzzle in shame or guilt. It doesn’t matter what people will think or say. Pick up EVERY piece.

I pray that one or both of these revelations I’ve received helps someone. I know it’s all over the place but I have to give them the way I got them. If any of this post speaks to a place you’re in or have been in, I also pray you get the answers you’re looking/praying for and that you get peace in those answers.

-G.

Storms

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

This time, I’m not apologizing. Just know it’s the 4th quarter and ya girl is OFF the bench. You can quote me on that.

“Heavy rain & potentially damaging winds…”

Meteorologists can “predict” the weather.  Sometimes they’re wrong but MOST times, they’re absolutely on point. They know the time and place of a thunderstorm. They also know the impact of said storm. Unfortunately, neither they nor we can predict the “storms” of every day life.

HOWEVER, if you think about the timing of those life storms, you’ll find that they come when you THINK life is going just fine. When your money’s right, when you’re drinking water and minding you’re own business, when your edges are finally growing back, that’s when storms hit. And they hit hard.

Your world is turned upside down, you’ve lost things or people that were valuable and maybe even misplaced…

Is it just me or do you immediately wonder what you did wrong? Just me? (Okay).

Well I’ll speak for myself when I say life’s storms feel like punishment. “Am I not praying enough?” “What did I say wrong?” “Man, I did spend a lot of time on social media today.” SOMETIMES, that may be the case. God has ways of showing us how jealous He is when we spend too much time and energy on things other than Him. Sometimes we have been inconsiderate and used a sharp time and He’s trying to whip us into shape.

Ultimately, storms come to check our faith. If God gave us the perfect life full of everything we could ask for, we’d probably never think twice about anything. Not even HIM. But God wants to know if we will still love, worship and praise Him even when things are bad. Can He still trust us to show up to church and even show up for others even when our situations are unbearable?

Before you answer, consider how you respond to the storms in your life. Not that you should be happy but God is always watching how we handle what life throws at us. But do you constantly complain? Are you mad at God? Have you allowed yourself to slip into a depressive and confused state of mind?

What should we be doing?

Well, we SHOULD be resting on His promises that are in His word. We SHOULD be able to smile in the midst of trials. We SHOULD be able to encourage others. We SHOULD understand that God loves us very much, He knows us better than we know ourselves and He’s in complete control of everything. We SHOULD continue praying, worshiping, and fasting. Yes, fasting. Hear me saints, I rather push the plate than stress eat and gain weight any day. I’m just saying.

With this post, I just want to encourage you to shift your mentality when life’s storms hit your address. Not every storm causes you to lose. Sometimes things just need to be shaken and rearranged. Consider that the worst could still be worse. Know that God is keeping you safe in the midst.

“Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the Earth!” – Psalms 46:10

When the storm is over and you realize that you’re still alive, remember to give God ALL the recognition. Because if it were not for Him, His grace and His love, where would we truly be?

 

 

 

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