No excuses, let’s just get right to it.
“Sit down. Be humble.” – K. Dot
(Nope, not gospel).
Imagine thinking you’re the most handsome/pretty person ever. Nobody dresses better than you, nobody can compete. Until someone finally says, “You’re really not all that cute.”
That’s that hurt.
I don’t remember when I actually gained a lick of confidence or leveled up on self-esteem. I don’t remember the moment I heard I was ‘beautiful’ or ‘pretty’ and believed it. As far as my Christ-walk, I don’t remember my first touch from God, nor do I always take time to recollect ALL He’s done for me or brought me through. And His purpose for me hasn’t always been my focus. But all of a sudden, I was forced to not only remember but truly realize who I am and who HE is.
See, it’s not that I think I’m all that or gotten big headed because I’m still a little insecure at times. But there was a moment where I THOUGHT I had things “together”. I had that, “better her/him than me” and, “well, at least I’m not…” type of attitude.
Until I put myself in a certain situation where I WAS. Only to find that, what I thought I had overcome and defeated, I was actually still wrestling with. I didn’t take heed to warning signs or red flags. Without even realizing it, I was suppressing what I never truly dealt with or been completely healed from. I wasn’t as strong as I thought…
But why was I relying on my own strength in the first place?
“For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure.” -Philippians 2:13, AMP
In an instant, I was brought to my knees pleading with God to help me. I was back in the place where I was terrified that God would strike me down right then and there for even the thought of messing up. Total fear and regret. I had to feel dumb, worthless and empty again. Once I was in that place, I had to be honest with myself. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but now I knew what WAS imperfect about me.
Just because your sins, faults ill thoughts or your shortcomings aren’t on front street or Facebook, doesn’t mean you can hide them from God. Just because you did it in the dark, doesn’t mean God can’t shine light on it to make an example out of you. But, it is up to US to pray those honest prayers, deal with the root of the issue, be truthful and take ownership.
Now, I don’t necessarily look at other’s situations and thank God it isn’t me. My heart actually goes out to those who are in that same place I was. I try to reach out and show that I am a mess sometimes and I mess up. I let my life be a living testimony to what God can do when we tell Him what He already knows about us.
I’m grateful that God didn’t take me out when He could’ve. I’m continuously asking Him to show me the depths of my mind, heart and spirit. I know now that I can only rely on HIS strength when I’m weak. I pray that everyone reading this does the same. Be vulnerable and be real because in order to be made whole, you must first be broken.