No excuses, let’s just get right to it.

“Sit down. Be humble.” – K. Dot

(Nope, not gospel).

Imagine thinking you’re the most handsome/pretty person ever. Nobody dresses better than you, nobody can compete. Until someone finally says, “You’re really not all that cute.”

That’s that hurt.

I don’t remember when I actually gained a lick of confidence or leveled up on self-esteem. I don’t remember the moment I heard I was ‘beautiful’ or ‘pretty’ and believed it. As far as my Christ-walk, I don’t remember my first touch from God, nor do I always take time to recollect ALL He’s done for me or brought me through. And His purpose for me hasn’t always been my focus. But all of a sudden, I was forced to not only remember but truly realize who I am and who HE is.

See, it’s not that I think I’m all that or gotten big headed because I’m still a little insecure at times. But there was a moment where I THOUGHT I had things “together”. I had that, “better her/him than me” and, “well, at least I’m not…” type of attitude.

Until I put myself in a certain situation where I WAS. Only to find that, what I thought I had overcome and defeated, I was actually still wrestling with. I didn’t take heed to warning signs or red flags. Without even realizing it, I was suppressing what I never truly dealt with or been completely healed from. I wasn’t as strong as I thought…

But why was I relying on my own strength in the first place?

“For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure.” -Philippians 2:13, AMP

In an instant, I was brought to my knees pleading with God to help me. I was back in the place where I was terrified that God would strike me down right then and there for even the thought of messing up. Total fear and regret. I had to feel dumb, worthless and empty again. Once I was in that place, I had to be honest with myself. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but now I knew what WAS imperfect about me.

Just because your sins, faults ill thoughts or your shortcomings aren’t on front street or Facebook, doesn’t mean you can hide them from God. Just because you did it in the dark, doesn’t mean God can’t shine light on it to make an example out of you. But, it is up to US to pray those honest prayers, deal with the root of the issue, be truthful and take ownership.

Now, I don’t necessarily look at other’s situations and thank God it isn’t me. My heart actually goes out to those who are in that same place I was. I try to reach out and show that I am a mess sometimes and I mess up. I let my life be a living testimony to what God can do when we tell Him what He already knows about us.

Total humility.

I’m grateful that God didn’t take me out when He could’ve. I’m continuously asking Him to show me the depths of my mind, heart and spirit. I know now that I can only rely on HIS strength when I’m weak. I pray that everyone reading this does the same. Be vulnerable and be real because in order to be made whole, you must first be broken.

love,

G.

“…Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am in, to be content: I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.“

Philippians 4:10-13

***Picture above is an exact representation of my face when I read that scripture in it’s entirety.***

Philippians 4:13 is a fan favorite, but I wonder now if people have read the verses before the good part.

Okay, let’s jump right into this because it’s been on my mind long enough. Turns out, I’m not the only one who has had the same thoughts. Many many times as a person of faith, we get discouraged when we feel like God has left us out or doesn’t hear our prayers. And what can (and sometimes will) get us a little out of character is seeing other people we feel are less deserving or not living up to the standard of God well enough to receive their blessings. I know I’m not the only one. I have proof.

First of all, it’s OKAY to feel. Before you’re able to put things into prospective and get checked by God, nothing decreases your holy stamina more than seeing people “in the world” or “sinners” (because we totally don’t do THAT, right? *wink*) have what we pray for for what seems like years! When I was in high school, I would envy those around me whose parents kept their promises of getting them cars simply because they got their license at 16. Ummm… I got my license at 16 as well and no car. I graduated high school, no car. I went to college, no car. I graduated from college TWICE and still no car! What made it even worse is, I am the only child. I kept good grades. Didn’t skip school.

In 2015, post degrees and a child, I make a gigantic leap of faith and put two down payments on a brand new car. BY. MY. SELF. My parents tried to talk me out of it because they didn’t think I understood what type of responsibility I was putting on myself. I did and all I needed was a co-signer. Drove off the lot the same day I laid eyes on Aqua. I promised God if He would continue to make a way for me to keep up with payments, I would treat this car like the blessing it really was. I’d keep it clean. Keep a clean record. Not let people smoke in it, take my keys, etc. I’d use this blessing to give Him any oune of glory any time I got the chance. You’d be surprised at the work and the mileage He’s made me put in since. Best decision I ever made. Almost 3 years later, me and Aqua still rocking and she still looks and runs like new.

Moral of the story, God sees you. Sometimes He’s waiting for us to make a move that will show that He can trust us with things. Sometimes He wants us to work a little harder than the average person because 1) We’re not average and 2) We’ll appreciate what’s given a lot more.

Another thing I’ve learned is that tangible things people have doesn’t fulfill them spiritually or mentally. Think about how many rich people are depressed and mentally unstable because it’s too much to handle. Or how they become paranoid, thinking somebody is going to take something from them. And even living in a big house, full of people and alone. There are people who live in apartments alone and can’t get a decent night of sleep because of the mental battles they face behind closed doors. I’d much rather have my sanity when it’s all said and done. Most things we yearn for are unknowingly only going to please our flesh and not the Father. I’ve heard my pastor say, “A lot of y’all would stop coming to church if you won the lottery.” Funny, yet true.

Ultimately, I don’t want anything in my life that will steer me away from God or my purpose on this earth. Timing is everything. You won’t be blessed with anything before it’s time because Lord knows, we can screw some stuff up. To be honest, it’s a lot of stuff we just don’t need to be whole or to feel secure/blessed.

“..in all things, I have learned to be content..”

For a while, I had to be content with being taken places and dropped off. I had to be content that if my parents let me drive their car, I had to bring it back whenever they said. I’ve had to be content with having just enough money to pay bills and no extra spending money. I’ve had to be content with having spending money but spending it on my child. I’ve had to be content with me, myself and the kid. I’ve had to be content with not being able to live completely on my own. I’ve had to be content with not having the “perfect figure”. I’ve overcome and seen the better side of each. I truly believe any situation I’m in will turn around for the better but the point is, things aren’t bad. They could be worse and they have been.

I encourage to you to find solace in right now. Find every bit of good in every bad situation or scenario. Be great with what you have now and God will give you the desires of your heart according to His will for you. Nothing more, nothing less. If you ever feel like God isn’t listening, challenge Him. Speak His word back to Him. Be faithful over little and God will grant you more. Work on your relationship with Christ and others. Pray. Forgive. Find your purpose and walk in it. There’s more required of you. There’s levels to this…

Always know, God will only do things in decency and IN ORDER.

 

Be Blessed,

G.

 

“Ohhhh your hair is so pretty!”

“I wish I had your texture/curl pattern!”

“How’d you get yours like that?”

…Questions I get asked A LOT about my natural hair. At almost 2 years post “big chop”, I still don’t have all the answers and I have yet to perfect my regimen like these YouTube gurus. I’ve only been able to do what my schedule and pockets allow. Just a day ago, my hair was touching the middle of my back…straightened that is. And I still had this faded red color from LAST YEAR. Everyone knows a natural’s worse nightmare is 1) Heat damage and 2) Color damage.

But this post isn’t just about my hair…

See, people would always compliment my hair on the curls or the length and I’d always say, “thank you” but in my head I’d say, “…but it’s damaged.”

I WAS my hair.

Pretty. Nice. Always smiling and laughing. Encouraging. Working hard. Loving. A good friend. A good mom. Bomb girlfriend.

But DAMAGED.

I can honestly say in the beginning, I rushed the whole natural process of my hair because I was insecure with my short fro. I couldn’t WAIT to straighten it for the first time and that red would look amazing on my coils…WRONG.

That’s how I was with my life and you’d think I’d be more careful. I rushed everything. I rushed love. I rushed my growing process. I rushed moves I had to make in order to provide. I accepted things and people that really had no place in my life. I held on to relationships that meant me no good. I held on to my past mistakes. I held on to my damaged ends.

But GOD.

God LET me hang on. It had to hurt like HELL so I had no choice but to let go. And I did. I moved. I deleted. I blocked. I forgave. I dealt. I healed. I mended. I chopped.

I got to the point where it was necessary that I do things the way God intended in the beginning. He gave me the gift of redemption and repentance and I accepted it immediately. I was given a clean slate and I’ve taken full advantage. I no longer am ashamed to face my faults or my short fro. I show my scars and I tell my stories. I walk with God in my singleness and I’m no longer desperate for affection or love. Two days ago, when I trimmed my hair, I sighed in relief. I felt good and I felt in control. That’s one thing about God, when you let HIM steer and maintain speed, He’ll let you hold the wheel too.

The loose, almost non-existent curl  and red dye are also a reminder of what the last year has been like for me so it was only right that I get rid of it. It held memories. Though the color isn’t completely gone, I’ve vowed to take care of my hair and myself more delicately. I told myself I would stick with what I know and keep my hands out AND off as much as possible. (Some low manipulation, if you will). Because though the process may be long and tedious, I know the outcome will be beautiful inside and out.

I challenge you to do the same if you haven’t already. Give you life to God and give him control. Allow Him to help you with those dead ends you’ve encountered. Submit to His will and turn from your old ways. Jesus died for this. He died for You. You don’t have to stay damaged.

WITH LOVE.